So, I’ve been neglecting Tumblr terribly lately, and I miss it lots. I’m working at a coffeehouse right now, on some English (because I had no school today!) and I decided to take a small break and pour my heart out… :)
First and foremost, it is tech week for Oklahoma! and we open on Thursday…insane, insane, insane. I love it, but I’m so stretched beyond my limit. My director is this really gruff, radical guy, and I really love working with him, but he is a lot to handle. I have a tendency to talk upstage (bad, bad habit) and I did it yesterday without even realizing it. He threw a roll of duct tape at me. It was hysterical, but stuff like that happens so often that I have this terrible, terrible thought that I’m letting him down, which I don’t want to do. I’m working my ass off and I really just want him to see that. He’s one of those guys who is meanest to the ones he loves the most, and I know that, but it get wearing.
I’m also struggling with the guy I’m playing opposite. He replaced the original guy, who dropped out to do another show. The original guy was someone who could keep up with me, which sounds diva-ish (it is, I know), but it’s so important to a performer. I need someone who will take my energy and throw it right back. The new guy is literally the new guy, because this is first show ever. He’s done so good, coming late and everything. But it’s tech week and I need him to be working as hard as I am. It’s time to take the nerves (which we all have) and learn to shove the somewhere where no one else can see them (which most of already have). Performing is everything to me, and I’m trying to be patient, but who’s patient during tech week?
Since I’m doing two shows at once, I’m working with two different directors at once, which is HELL. Both are good men who know what they’re doing (I hope!) and they’re pulling me in two different directions which is so frustrating. I couldn’t literally talk about it for days, so I won’t, but I had to get that out in the universe!!
The last source of stress is Him. Surprisingly, not because I have feelings for him. Oh, no. It’s because he was kicked out of college for sexual harassment. Apparently, it was bad enough that the victim is pursuing it in court. It breaks my heart that he turned out to be this person that I don’t even recognize. What hurts even more is that when I checked on him (after almost three months of not speaking) he didn’t even have the balls to tell me whether it was true or not, so I’ll probably never know. I may not love him anymore, but I still care about his well-being, which he doesn’t get.
The best part of this post….
After rehearsal last night (our first night in the theater), I had a serious melt down. Everything came crashing down on my head, the directors, the stress of the show, the ordeal with Him, AND i’m getting sick. The fact that I had been at the theater for ten hours working couldn’t help either.
For awhile now, I’ve been forming a light friendship with one of my cast mates. Over the past few days, he’s been insanely supportive and just such a great person, being there, just to talk or boost me up if I need it. As soon as my meltdown started (on the walk to my car. Cardinal rule: NEVER cry in front of your director), I texted him, asking if we could talk, because I just needed a shoulder.
I drove to his house and we sat in my car and just talked. For 45 minutes. He was sweet and silly and supportive and just an amazing person, listening to me cry and blubber until I finally ran out of gas. He made me laugh and he sang (which sounds weird, but had you been in the conversation, you would have melted) and he treated me like a person. Not like a princess, not like a piece of meat. A person. Which is probably the best thing ever.
He’s this incredible person and I love, love, love his company. He’s the kind of person that makes you want to be exactly who you are, but also makes you want to reach for more. He has this kind of torrid past, but he has the sweetest heart I’ve ever encountered. The night turned out to be okay, because he was there for me, to make me laugh and just give me truth straight, but also boosting me up a bit.
Do any you know how that feels? Having that new relationship with a friend that is just so magical and makes you feel very old and very young at the same time? It is a wonderful, beautiful thing. And I’ve only known him two months!
I hope you all are having wonderful days and weeks. I’m hoping to get some Oklahoma! pictures up by next week, after the show closes. Love and kisses to you all.